Passive Aggression: The Not-So-Hidden Personal Cost of Staying Silent
Unspoken expectations breed passive aggression and frustration. Learn why silence isn’t always golden—and how to ditch assumptions for stronger relationships.
In his book The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, Neil Strauss explores the concept of unspoken expectations and how they affect our relationships and well-being. He posits that when individuals hold expectations without voicing them, they inadvertently set themselves up for disappointment. A famous quote from his work is: “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” By not expressing what you expect from someone, you create a breeding ground for conflict and passive aggression. Whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or casual social interactions, failing to communicate expectations clearly and effectively sows the seeds of misunderstanding and unmet needs. This can quickly devolve into frustration and resentment, leading to untenable situations and ultimately souring or ruining relationships.
This concept is not meant to attribute blame to any one person or party but rather to serve as a wake-up call to those who frequently find themselves frustrated with others or trapped in passive aggression. The solution may be inward. There’s a famous phrase (commonly attributed to Oscar Wilde) that goes, “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” Assumptions can be insidious precisely because they feel so natural. People often think others should “just know” their needs, setting themselves up for disappointment—or worse, they think less of others for not “getting it.” This is especially common in close relationships, where we expect (there’s that word again) the other person to have a deeper understanding of who we are and our patterns.
Being a clear communicator isn’t as simple as it sounds, and if you frequently experience unmet expectations, you’ve probably already felt this. Communicating your expectations to others, especially in close relationships, often requires vulnerability. But being vulnerable can feel like acknowledging weakness, fear, or even appearing demanding—all things we naturally want to avoid. Yet, if something feels this difficult, then by definition, it takes strength. Overcoming feelings of weakness, fear, or shame should be seen as a point of pride.
The methods Strauss puts forward to avoid these situations are simple to understand but require plenty of practice (as most things do). The key is open communication (hopefully this is obvious by now). Strauss points out that if you cannot communicate your expectations clearly, you should let them go entirely. In general, fostering dialogue and transparency in every relationship is crucial. Communicate your needs and desires clearly, then let the fruits of these efforts grow. A great place to start is to focus on the what and why of your expectations, as these form the core of your perspective.
If you often feel that your needs aren’t being met by those around you—and you plan to implement the simple steps Strauss recommends—the last big piece of the puzzle is self-reflection (as it always is). Introspection is hands down the greatest source of personal growth, and this concept is no exception. Reflecting on your own patterns, while trying to be as objective as possible, is likely the most effective tool in your toolkit for self-improvement. Ask yourself whether you tend to hold unspoken expectations and why that might be. As noted in the first paragraph, the solution is likely inward.
As always, if you’ve made it this far, I really appreciate you reading Bite-Sized Brilliance. Keep pushing forward, stay curious, and be kind to yourself along the way.
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—Wes